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On the first Thursday of every month, you receive tips and content to help you improve your English skills, 1 % at a time.

"I can't small talk in English."

If I had 1€ for every time a person told me that, I would be a rich man.

What's curious though is the type of person that most tells me the phrase.

It's the team-leaders, directors, and CEO's- experts in their fields (and normally with a proficient level of English) who feel comfortable talking about anything work-related- who "can't small talk in English."

They have no problem getting technical about a concept, product, property or service, but they fear the dinner after the event, or the mid-morning coffee break when John from London, or Jane from New York appear and introduce themselves.

This is because small talk is spontaneous, social conversation. It's unpredictable and it takes people out of their comfort zone (of conversing about professional topics).

And at the end of the day, team-leaders, directors and CEO's are human and suffer the same social uncertainty in English as others.

So, if you suffer with small talk syndrome, what can you do to overcome it?

Start by debunking some myths (expose the falseness) about this social phenomenon we call conversation!

Myth Number One: It can't be prepared for...

Oh yes it can.

There is more research and content than ever before on the topic of conversation. Scientists and communication experts are studying how to open conversations, maintain them, and exit them, which means that you can use their work to make your small talk and social skills in English better.

I have curated all of this material and packaged it into The Small Talk Toolkit, which you can use to practise your small talk and social conversations in English. It covers everything from that scary first impression, to what to do and/or ask next, to how to leave a conversation without it being awkward.

It includes:

• How to introduce yourself (in a more exciting way than "Hi, how are you?")
• How to ask interesting questions (so you actually talk less!!!)
• How to be both warm and competent (so people remember you, and therefore think about you when they want to do business)
• How to show warmth and closeness (by using the appropriate tone and grammar structures- because intercultural communication is so important today and you don't want to be too direct)
• How to use your voice as a weapon
• How to fix things if they go wrong
• How to leave a conversation elegantly

Like everything, small talk and being a great socialiser can be practised. There are some basic things that you can practise for any type of small talk situation and there are things that might be specific to an event (for example if people are from the same industry and you know them- at least through email correspondence- it might be easier to small talk).

So, yes, you can practise small talk!

Myth Number Two: I need to think of so many interesting things to say, and I need to ask loads of questions...

You don't need to think of interesting things to say or ask lots of questions IF you know how to ask the good questions.

"Good questions?" you ask.
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Yes, in a small talk, social context there are good questions and bad ones.

An example of a bad question is "How are you?"

Another would be: "Is this your first time here?"

And another would be: "Have you been with ABC company for long?"

Have a think for a second why these are bad questions...

The answer is...
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Because they are closed questions and the response can only be yes or no. Which means you will go around in circles and you will have to ask a lot of questions.
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"How are you?"
​
"Fine, and you?"
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"Fine. Is this your first time here?"
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"Yes, and yourself?"
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"Yes."
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"And how long have you been working at ABC company?"

ZZZZZZ...
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Can you now see why these are bad questions? I don't mean bad=wrong, I mean bad for making an impression on someone and therefore for making a real connection. Of course these are legitimate questions and can be asked, but I would not recommend asking them at the beginning of a conversation and certainly not in consecutive order like above...

So, what can you ask instead? And do you need to think of lots of interesting questions?

No, you don't.

You do need to ask open questions though.

An open question (or a reporter's question) is one that can produce more than a yes or no answer. These questions typically start with what, why, or how. If I use who, where, when or which then I would get a one word answer like John, Monday or Madrid, which is OK if that is the goal of the question, but if the goal is to get the other person talking, I want to avoid using too many of them.

An example of an open question could be: "What was the most interesting part of the talk for you?"

Or, "Why do you think x said y?"

Or, "How do you think this could be applied to our business?"

All of these questions would get a longer answer, and, most importantly, the answer would reveal something about what the other person thinks (their opinion), which in turn would allow you to discover more about them that you could use later in the conversation, if you are really paying attention (more on that later).

Another point to make here is that when you use superlatives (the best/the most interesting/the most exciting/the worst/the greatest) in questions you are asking about a specific element of a weekend, a talk, a trip etc..

"What was the most exciting thing you did on the two-day team-building course?" is a much better question than "Did you like the team-building course?"

Which leads us nicely to myth number three...

Myth Number Three: I need to be interesting for them to remember me...

No you don't!

This myth is connected to myth number two.

To be interesting you need to be interested.

Let me repeat that: to be interesting you need to be interested.

How can you be interested in someone? You should know the answer by now. You show interest in someone by asking questions.

People love talking about themselves. They will reveal all sorts of information when you ask interesting questions that show interest. Then, as a strange consequence, by asking interesting questions you actually seem interesting as a person because you show interest!

It's rare nowadays for people to ask questions. People love the sound of their own voice so when you ask questions you seem really interested in them. Of course, this interest needs to be genuine! So, if you ask intelligent questions that get a person to open up and talk about their opinions, you will generate a stimulating conversation.

Which leads us to the next myth...

Myth Number Four: I can't ask that...

Oh yes you can. Stay away from politics and other controversial or personal subjects, especially at first. But if you show genuine interest in someone and the occasion is appropriate then you can ask interesting questions.

At first, use the context and location of your meeting for ideas: the event, the speakers, the business, the setting, or anything else of relevance.

Then, depending on what the other person reveals, you can go on to other subjects...

Myth Number Five: Small talk is all about talking...

And what about listening?

The best talkers are the best listeners. That's right. To be a good communicator you need to act on what you hear from the other person. You can use clues like their tone of voice- do they show excitement or not? If they do, you should talk more about that subject. Do they go into detail? If they do, you can use those details to ask follow-up questions. Alternatively, do they give a short answer? If they do, that signals they don't want to talk about x subject much.

A good activity to practise improving your listening and your conversations is 'The Mirror', used by Chris Voss, the former lead hostage negotiator for the FBI.

Chris Voss's Mirror means repeat the last one to three words of what the person just said, with a rising, curious intonation. That is the whole technique.

"We've had a fair amount of delays because of the weather." → "The weather?" (said with a rising intonation).

The intention behind most mirrors should be: Please, help me understand or tell me more.

Let me give you another example of when and how to use a mirror.

You: "What was the most interesting thing about the talk?"

Amanda says: "Actually, I found it boring?"

If you then ask: "What do you mean?" it invites defensiveness.

A mirror however sounds like interest.

So, you should say: "Boring?" with an upward intonation.

Then you pause and let them fill the silence, which keeps the conversation going and you appear neutral and impartial, and again you seem like an interesting person because you are...

... interested!

Myth Number Six: People are born with a talent for small talk and communication:

Wrong! There are so many examples of people who we consider to be great communicators who at first were nervous, tentative and awkward speakers.

Steve Jobs said in one of his first public TV interviews that he felt, "deathly ill and ready to throw up at any moment." You can watch it below...

Winston Churchill had a stutter but he practised his public speaking and communication so much that he overcame it.

And you can overcome any fears or perceived lack of talent too.
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There is no special talent for speaking. No strain of DNA that says x person is better than y person.

What next?

Like most things in life, if you want to improve your small talk, you need to practise it.

For exactly this purpose, I have included the Small Talk Toolkit with more information and activities.

By doing a few minutes of practice a day, you can greatly improve the way you connect with people, which in turn will help you to build better relationships, do more business, and get ahead in life.

Because at the end of the day, it's not what you know or who you know that makes the biggest difference in life, it's who knows you, and more people will remember you if you can connect with them from the very first words.

You just need to start...

TIPS

1. Use open questions with superlatives if possible!
2. Be interested to be interesting!
3. Practise!

CONTENT

1. Here is the Small Talk Toolkit. The Small Talk Toolkit.pdf​
2. ​Here is Steve Jobs suffering in one of his first TV interviews...
3. If you want help using it, or would like to practise your small talk even more, book a free call with me:
   ​
   ​https://calendly.com/ben--palmer/30-minute-calls​

A CHALLENGE

The Small Talk Toolkit provides a 21 day challenge. It invites you to start practising and improving your small talk by following the activities over 21 days. It's only a few minutes per day, and the activities are fun, not difficult, and highly beneficial to you and your career.

You just need to start...

(If you would like assistance with this process, arrange a free call with me here: https://calendly.com/ben--palmer/30-minute-calls )

AN INSPIRING QUOTE

“Small talk is the biggest talk we do," Susan RoAne, American Author.

If you want to improve your communication in English, book a free call to see how I can help you:

​https://calendly.com/ben--palmer/30-minute-calls​

If you want to improve your English conversation skills and discover the tricks and techniques to talk about anything with anyone, check out my Fluent In 50 Days Course here...

Until next month,

Ben

PS: Keep progressing!