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Arguments, complaints, and disagreements are all common when dealing with opinionated humans in the 21st century. In times of social media, people are more accustomed than ever to expressing their thoughts, and often in ways that are considered rude and inappropriate.

Fortunately, the way we communicate offline is different to how we interact online (for the moment at least!). In-person, we are more pensive regarding our word choice and we tend to avoid conflict and negativity more. But what should we do when we need to have that difficult conversation? Or how should we handle the situation if we are the one dealing with a complaint or a dispute?

The first thing to note is that a difficult conversation can be a catalyst for growth. If you work in the service industry then any negative feedback or complaint should be seen as an opportunity to improve. The problem is when people are over-sensitive to criticism they become defensive and thus fail to acknowledge how an observation could in fact help them. In hospitality, complaints are common. A good way to deal with them is to have a policy that everyone is familiar with and uses. This will help employees to communicate in the same way and to use language that helps to diffuse the situation and offer a solution.

Another positive of a 'negative' conversation is that it provides an opportunity to really connect with someone. When someone is sad or comes to us with a problem, we have a tendency to try and fix things for them. However, there may be a better solution. The next time someone starts to complain or speak negatively, you can use Vanessa Van Edward's NUT framework:

The first step is to NAME the emotion. For example: I understand why you are feeling disappointed with____.

The second part is to UNDERSTAND it, which means asking questions. For example: Have you started feeling disappointed recently or have you felt this way for a long time? What exactly is making you feel disappointed?

The third part is to TRANSFORM the emotion, which means changing the focus towards solutions, which again requires asking questions. For example: Would you feel less disappointed if_____? Would you like my help with ______? By following this process and asking the right questions, you can really connect with a person, and turn what was potentially a negative situation into a positive one.

And, a final thought: Time and place matters. Don't complain to someone or express your frustration if you don't have a lot of time, or if the other person has to leave quickly. Make sure you have enough time to express your complaint etc. and there's enough time for the other person to react too. And, wherever possible, choose a neutral place to have a difficult conversation. This helps people to be more relaxed and less rigid. Imagine your boss says: "Come to my office right now, I need to give you some negative feedback." You would immediately feel intimidated and defensive. However, if the boss says: "Let's take a walk, I want to ask you about something..." Maybe you would be more curious than defensive.

So, by starting from a mindset of growth, using the right words and having a complaints policy, as well as using the NUT framework and thinking about time and place, difficult conversations can actually become easier, and really beneficial for everyone involved.

You just need to start...

TIPS

See difficult conversation as opportunities to grow and connect.
Have a complaint strategy.
Choose the right moment.
Use NUT.

CONTENT

Jefferson Fisher is a lawyer who specialised in difficult conversations. He has a wonderful communication podcast that I highly recommend.
The Well Newsletter by The New York Times offers great advice for communicating (and explores other healthy lifestyle subjects too.
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A CHALLENGE

Instead of being defensive when someone criticises, complains or argues with you, try to see the conversation as an opportunity to connect and grow. Also, use the NUT framework and see how it is a game-changer for understanding people, and for bonding with them.

You just need to start...