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Generally, people think that if they are the one talking, then they are the one controlling the conversation. This is logical. If you are the one driving the car, then surely you decide where to go. However, the co-pilot- who is reading the map- is the one saying: "turn right; go straight; turn left," at least they did before Google Maps arrived. Therefore, who is really in control?

Conversations are exactly the same. The person holding the map- the listener- is the one in control. If the listener is paying attention and is effective at noticing what is the best route to get to where they want to go, then they can direct the conversation by using the speaker's energy. But they can only do so by being more than a passive listener, or a listener who is simply waiting to speak. How you ask? Before we get into that, we need to explore the various levels of listener...

There are five different levels of listener:

1. The Passive Listener- the one who doesn't react or add input to a conversation.
2. The Waiting To Speak Listener- the one who is only listening for a gap in the conversation so they can speak.
3. The Active Listener- the one who asks calibrated questions to 'drive' the conversation in a direction they want to go.
4. The Labelling/Empathetic Listener- the one who hears the emotion and can identify with it so they are on the same page as the speaker.
5. The Intuition Listener- the one who is listening for what never gets said.

If you really want to be an effective listener you need to be more than a level two listener.

Here's how:

Ask Calibrated Questions Like An Active Listener:

Calibrated questions are questions that take the conversation in a direction you want to go. Calibrated questions avoid verbs or words like “can,” “is,” “are,” “do,” or “does.” These are used in closed-ended questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or a “no.” Calibrated questions are open-ended questions that typically use 'How' and 'What.'

Some examples of calibrated questions are:

What about this is important to you?
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How can I help to make this better for us?
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How would you like me to proceed?
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How can we solve this problem?

All of these questions make the other person think and give you, the listener, a longer answer and the possibility of vital information instead of just a "yes" or "no." The listener can then use this information to take the conversation in a direction they want to go, or use the answer (information) for a later moment.

Use labels:

The 7-38-55 Rule, originally developed by Dr. Albert Mehrabian, dictates that in emotional communication, your literal words carry only 7% of the meaning. Tone of voice makes up 38%, and body language accounts for a massive 55%. If your physical presence and tone don't align with your words, the counterpart (listener) will immediately sense incongruence.

Effective Labelling/Empathetic listeners recognise emotions and are able to describe them so the speaker gives more information as to why they feel how they do. Emotions can be fear; sadness; anger etc.

Once you’ve spotted an emotion you want to highlight, the next step is to label it aloud. Labels can be phrased as statements or questions. The only difference is whether you end the sentence with a downward or upward inflection. But no matter how they end, labels almost always begin with the same words:

It seems like . . .

It sounds like . . .

It looks like . . .

Notice I never use the word "I." That’s because the word “I” makes people defensive. When you say “I,” it says you’re more interested in yourself than the other person, and it makes you take personal responsibility for the words that follow and the offence they might cause. But when you phrase a label as a neutral statement of understanding, it encourages your counterpart to be responsive. They’ll usually give a longer answer than just “yes” or “no.” And if they disagree with the label, that’s okay. You can always step back and say, “I didn’t say that was what it was. I just said it seems like that.”

The last rule of labelling is silence. Once you’ve spoken your label, be quiet and listen. We all have a tendency to expand on what we’ve said, to finish, “It seems like you are sad,” with a specific question like: “Why do you look like you're going to cry?” But a label’s power is that it invites the other person to reveal themself.
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Some examples of effective labelling questions are:

“It seems like there’s something here that bothers you.”

"It sounds like you have concerns about the deal/timeline/product etc."

"It looks like there's something that worries you about _____."

By using labels and empathy, the listener gains a deeper understanding of the person behind the words, and the emotions that are driving the decision making process so they can adjust accordingly and eliminate any negative emotions from the speaker.

How to hear what is unsaid.

This is a skill that needs constant practice. It is also a craft that continues long after the conversation has finished. Because after asking calibrated questions, after labelling emotions and asking the effective labelling questions, the speaker may still be withholding information, or, they may not have noticed an opportunity yet. This is where the listener's distance from the words can really make a difference.

After a conversation, analyse anything that your intuition tells you was not said. Any emotion, any doubt, any restriction. Then, ask for a follow-up conversation to deal with these unspoken elements.

A final word...

Confrontation is the enemy of effective communication. Never use confrontational, aggressive, or personal language. If you follow the steps above and remove the word "I" from your questions, you will sound more neutral, therefore you will have more chance of getting what you want from any conversation.

You just need to start...

TIPS

1. Ask calibrated questions to drive the conversation in a direction you want to go, and to gain more information.
2. Use labels to discover the real feelings/emotions/concerns of the speaker.
3. Listen for what is unsaid.
4. Never be confrontational.

CONTENT

1. Here is a template you can follow to become a level 5 listener.

​The Listeners' Map Template.pdf​

2. Try the Fluent In 50 Days course to really make progress with your confidence in English, and your professional career!

€97.00 Fluent In 50 Days Starter Plan Receive daily material and tips to improve your English communication skills. The course begins on the Monday after you... Read more I want to improve my English!

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A CHALLENGE

Use the template and the phrases/questions to become a better listener so you can get more from your conversations and negotiations...

You just need to start...

AN INSPIRING QUOTE

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." Stephen R. Covey- American educator and author of the bestseller: The 7 habits of highly effective people.

If you want to improve your communication in English, book a free call to see how we can help you:

​https://calendly.com/ben--palmer/30-minute-calls​

If you want to learn English, you can read the How to (finally) learn English book:

​https://lighthousetraininggroup.com/books/​

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Find out more about us at https://lighthousetraininggroup.com/​

Ben

PS: Keep progressing!